I Want Things to Be Easier
So here’s what I’m gonna do about it!
I fully intended to make this post be about my trip to Portland and my thoughts on and struggles with taking breaks, but another topic has commanded my attention this week.
As we should all be aware, my birthday is in just two weeks. September always feels like a big month, but it feels even more so this year. Typically I do most of my self reflection at the end of the year—this year I created an entire bingo for myself, except of course I’m actually playing for a blackout—but, perhaps because of this newsletter, I’ve been doing some reflecting on this next year of my life.
(Perhaps another reason this one feels big is because I finally had to get a new driver’s license, which I obviously do not intend to use. I’ll finally have physical proof that I am a resident of New York, and it will be my first time having a horizontal license. Only three years late to that one, but I figured any bartenders wouldn’t believe anyone was stupid enough to get a fake ID that was vertical.)
I’m loosely dubbing 24 as the year of making things easier for myself.
Ironically, sometimes making things easier involves doing very difficult things, which I do not find nice at all. Here are all of the ways I am planning to make my life easier.
Not Overworking Myself
After much thinking, I’ve decided the most important way to make my life easier is to lighten my workload for this busy month. It’s a difficult decision since I love making video content and giving biweekly updates, but I need to take a step back. I do not plan on uploading any videos during the month of September, and I will likely not make another substack post until the beginning of October. Lately, I’ve been more motivated to really grind on my novel writing, and I’m at a point where I feel like my other pursuits are getting in my way.
I don’t want to abandon my videos, but I think I’ve lost sight of why I started doing them. When people close to me show genuine curiosity and support and ask when my next update will be, I usually feel like I’m letting them down. It puts a pressure on me to prioritize my public-facing projects, which I’ve realized I don’t want to do anymore. I know I will not have time for it all in the upcoming weeks, so I’m just going to put a temporary end to those anxieties.
I’m very excited about the prospect of dedicating more time to writing my novel—the very urge to do so feels like a breakthrough. I’ve kind of given up on guessing what my final draft word count will be, but no matter what, I know that I am halfway through. The pride I feel in that is another revelation. I am proud of what I have done. Usually I’m fighting the urge to berate myself for not being further and the knowledge that I could already be done. Even now it’s a tempting pattern to fall back into, but I am doing my best to harness the joy I feel about where the project is heading. I’ve gotten further into it than I ever dreamed possible, and that is worth celebrating.
Taking Care of My Body
I suspect I’ve been having a thyroid flare up recently, because my fatigue is almost debilitating again. Yesterday I got at least 9 hours of sleep and still just wanted to go back to bed when I woke up. I felt horrible brain fog and no energy to do anything. Making any decision or completing any task, no matter how small, felt like an insurmountable challenge. I ended up succumbing to my sleepiness and napped on and off for two more hours. This is how I feel most days, and I’m sick of being torn between giving myself grace for struggling with my health and berating myself for being lazy and unable to work through it.
When I go up from my nap I decided enough was enough: I want to reenter the horrific world of doctor visits. I stopped going a year ago because I was so discouraged by my fruitless yearlong pursuit to get thyroid treatment. It’s counterintuitive to say, but I hope I am now unwell enough that someone will help me. I wish the medical industry did not require you to break before they would put you back together, but perhaps the industry itself must break before it can be rebuilt to truly serve the people.
I was lucky enough to get an appointment less than 24 hours after booking. It was terrifying to go back to the doctor who previously left me helpless, because I know I have less than zero ability to advocate for myself in a medical setting. To my amazing surprise, I was seen by the kindest PA who was very attentive and listened to my concerns. It was so easy. Even my blood drawing, which usually makes me almost faint, was painless. The nurse commiserated with me about having “hard to find veins” and was friendlier than any nurse has ever been.
I haven’t gotten my blood test results back yet, but please manifest and pray for my hormone levels and antibodies to be out of range so I can finally get help.
Letting Go of “Should”
I’m often bogged down by what I feel I “should” do. I shouldn’t eat the snack I want because I should save it for a time I need it more. I shouldn’t wear the skirt that makes me feel most excited about my outfit because I wore it last week. I shouldn’t make myself a drink with dinner because I should save my alcohol for a time I’m going out. I shouldn’t do an art project that I feel drawn to because there are more productive places I should direct my creative energy.
Exerting tyrannical control over your desires doesn’t make you better, it just makes you ascetic.
These feelings of shouldn’t usually boil down to feeling like I won’t be productive enough, or that I should save things for some unspecified future date when I “deserve” it more. I’ve had the urge to do this my whole life—imagine 7 year old me not eating my Halloween candy in case I wanted it more later.
Many months ago I tried to impose a ban on the word should in my apartment, which we were supposed to replace with “want to.” Not I should eat better, I want to take better care of my health. Not I should keep working after dinner, I want to get a few more things taken care of so I can relax for the rest of the night. Not I should wear pants today, I want to wear what will make me feel most comfortable while walking.
Doing this goes one of two ways: 1. You reframe your thought into something healthy that prioritizes your wellbeing over putting pressure on yourself, or 2. You realize that the expectations you have for yourself are more harmful than helpful and are keeping you from experiencing the maximum amount of joy.
Through this reframing technique, I’ve realized there are so many things I’ve stopped myself from doing for truly no reason. For example, if I see a picture of myself from a year ago wearing a cute outfit, I want to rewear it. For a long time I wouldn’t let myself—“I shouldn’t rewear outfits.” Literally who cares? No one else even remembers it. Just because I can remember what I was wearing for most major events and can identify what day it was just by my outfit doesn’t mean anyone else can. And if they can, that’s on them.
Consumption Does Not Mean Happiness
It pains me to say that things are much easier for myself when I do not overconsume. I love to go shopping and it often feels like it wasn’t “worth my time” unless I buy something. Not only do I feel financially strained by this mentality, but there are only so many times I can declutter my room to make room for new things.
I’m hoping to combine this section with my new “should” versus “want to” mentality. There are a lot of things I’m holding onto because I feel like I should, that it would be wasteful to get rid of—what if I need it? I’ve never shied away from calling myself a hoarder or a maximalist. Hell, it’s even in my Instagram bio. But I always justify it by saying “at least I’m organized about it.” The meeting of a sentimental Pisces moon and a practical Virgo sun. But honestly, something’s gotta give at some point. I’m out of room under my bed to “save things for later.”
I need to be honest with myself about things I actually need.
Obviously many of the things I “need” are “strong wants” that I could live without, but what is life without a bit of longing?
If I’m conveniently listing things I want here two weeks before my birthday… do with this information what you will. It’s okay if other people get me these things, I just shouldn’t get them for myself.
Things I want but do not actually need:
More accessories. Making fashion videos has put me in the hamster wheel of consumption, making me realize all the things everyone else has that I don’t. Cool belts, fun hats, swanky scarves. These things would all be nice, but are not necessary.
Actually, I’m not done listing accessories. I also want fashion socks, boleros, vests, and colorful barrettes. I would almost argue barrettes are a necessity, since they’re useful to clip my bang-things back when they’re bothering me.
Another every day necklace to layer with my current every day necklace. I have a simple gold chain with a cubic zirconia stone at the end, and I would like a thick chain style necklace to go with it.
A camera. I debated putting this in the needs section, but it feels wrong to do so when I’m about to take a long break from filming. I don’t know when, but ultimately I would like to get a real camera since filming everything on my phone is getting a bit tedious.
On a similiar note, disposable cameras/film cameras for photography. It’s nothing more than a hobby, but last night I was looking at my disposable camera pictures and reminiscing on how much fun it was to take those pictures.
This picture from a disposable camera is my iPad Lock Screen. RIP Kiefer </3
Things I need (more than the other things):
A sleep mask. My room has two large windows that let in a lot of light in the morning, and sometimes I can’t fall back asleep when it’s too bright. I technically have a sleep mask my mom gave me from a plane, but it’s boring and gray and I want to replace it with one I love so that I use it more.
AirPods charging cases. I have two pairs of AirPods and have somehow lost the charging case to both of them. (Theoretically one is in my apartment, but hasn’t shown up in 8 months.) I have been surviving with a pair of wired earbuds, but it would be nice to have AirPods that I can connect to my iPad and to be able to use them while charging my phone. The pairs I have are 2nd gen and 3rd gen, but I would also enjoy having a completely new pair with noise canceling abilities since sounds annoy me and can’t always be drowned out.
An Apple Pencil. I would love to explore other forms of digital art, and using an Apple Pencil would be really helpful for that. Perhaps this is more of a want, but I’ve been thinking about getting one ever since I got my iPad (10th gen) so it’s more than just an impulsive want.
An air fryer. We previously had one, but it left with my roommate. I miss being able to use it because it made everything easier to crisp up, and crispy is my favorite food group.
Weights. I’ve wanted to have 5, 10, & 15 pound weights around for when I don’t want to go to the gym but still want to exercise. Unfortunately, I wouldn’t dare carry that home from facebook marketplace or TJ Maxx, where I would obviously want to buy them for a discount.
And, for my own peace of mind, things I do not need or want:
Mugs. We have too many and I hardly use them, even though they are so cute.
Candles. I am trying to limit my exposure to fragrance because of the endocrine disruptors, and I barely light candles anyway.
Stuffed animals. These are my best friends, but I really do not have room for any more little guys.
If putting up these lists was my main motivation for publishing this final Substack for the next few weeks, no it wasn’t.
I appreciate everyone’s love and support. I value every comment I get on these posts, over text and email, and in person. I can’t wait to come back in a month and update you all on how my September was, and hopefully I’ll see many of you and celebrate the year of making things easier with you.
If I really put my mind to it, maybe in my next update I’ll be done with my novel. It seems almost impossible, but I can dream!
He really did suck at mini golf!
And also, love all of this! Breaking the “should” pattern is huge! Love you!